I was a super independent woman and I truly believed being independent was a wonderful thing.   I had travelled the world alone, was financially independent and ran a business by myself.  I was proud of my ability to take care of myself.

However, I got so used to doing everything myself, that I realised I was starting to feel uncomfortable asking for help and just expected to fend for myself.

Then, in recent times, I broke my ankle, got Covid 19  and also had a relapse of Transverse Mytilus, a rare neurological disorder than I thought I had healed many years ago.    This left me totally numb on the upper right side of my body and I was unable to even cut up my food, drive or blow dry my own hair!

The down side of Impendence

Independence can be a trauma response.  You may have literally ‘given up’ getting your needs met as a child. As an adult, you unconsciously fail to rely on others for help, do everything yourself and may feel like you don’t need anyone.

This reaction is in fact an old coping mechanism where we fear rejection from asking to get our wants and needs met. We simply decide to do everything ourselves to avoid the rejection or heartbreak again.  In addition, we just don’t trust anyone to be there for us or take care of us.  We fear being vulnerable.

5 ways you may be too Independent

  • You feel uncomfortable asking for help or fear people will let you down
  • Your career takes up the majority of your life
  • Clingy and needy people irritate you
  • Self sufficient is your dominant emotion
  • Relationships may be a struggle for you

Moving from independence to interdependence

The ideal state we are looking for is interdependence.  This is a healthy balanced state where we allow ourselves to be supported by others, trusting we are worthy of being taken care of, protected and safe.   It comes from a strong foundation of ‘ self’ and a feeling of high self-regard.  It is seeing yourself as connected to other people. Not just yourself.

Becoming Interdependent

Through my own journey, I had no choice but to allow myself to reach out to others and connect.   My situation left me in the position of having to ask people to support me.  I needed to ask for help for lifts to the hospital, picking up shopping and chopping up my food.   Guess what – it felt so good!  Contrary to my old coping mechanisms, I found that people were in fact there for me, wanted to help and made a huge effort to make sure I was taken care off.

My diagnoses of Transverse Mytilus also improved as I was now making connections to others.  (TM can be caused by poor connections between the brain and the nerves)

If you would like would like to release the need to be super independent, co-dependant or avoidant relationship patterns, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Leading Life Coach Lisa Phillips

Currently based in Corby, Northants, Lisa Phillips has over 23 years’ experience as an award-winning Life Coach and Confidence expert.   The author of ‘The Confidence Coach’ book, Lisa is also a popular guest speaker and the expert Life Coach n the ‘ Love Destination.

To find out more, please contact Lisa for a no-obligation chat.